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I was thinking this morning (always dangerous) about my personal growth over the past two years.  It dawned on me that two years ago my major "self" goal was to have more patience.  Last year it was to not be as judgmental.
You know, as in you see that person in front of you with ONLY things that contain huge amounts of sugar, no real veggies or fruit, and pays with her "free for me" card.  Admit it.  Everyone has always and will always as long as we live judge the food purchases of others.  That's the easy example, but you get the drift.

Rewind to April, when I had Caleb.  I thought that I had this whole baby thing down pat.  Seriously, how much different could it be going from 3 kids to 4 kids... and the whole c-section saga.... been there, done that!   But Caleb was different from the beginning.  He came out blue and full of meconium.  I knew he would be fine, and for intensive purposes he was.  Me, on the other hand, had a pretty difficult surgery followed by more antibiotics than I have had in my entire life combined with a lovely "take home bag" full of my own pee.
Caleb, though, was just not easy.  In fact, I think that he cried any time and every time I put him down for the first 4 months of his life.  This, of course, started instantly and my baby experience was put to the test.  Then another test, the realities of thrush (Thank You Antibiotics)!  The the test of mastitis.  Then Mastitis again.  I was wondering if it was ever going to end. I was wondering if the effort to breastfeed this time around the block was worth it.

I knew that God had a reason, (at least I hoped) for giving me this child that required so much more of my energy, in a season where my husband was gone more than he was here, and my hands were full with 3 others. And now I see it.

Caleb is just going on 6 months.  Although most nights are still up and down, we see the light at the end of the tunnel.  He is turning out to be extremely sweet, loving his older siblings, and his cuddles make me melt.
But today I realized how much Caleb has refined me in the exact areas that I was asking God to refine. I realized that my reactions to the kids and some of their stunts is not anger or getting mad but rather with patience and a calm spirit.  I never thought that would be me.  I see the small things that used to irritate me as things that need my understanding and guidance, not me getting upset because "hello!!  bedtime was and HOUR ago!  GO To BED".
As for the judgement part?  I always wondered why moms with lots of kids seemed "distant" and, in my biased opinion, too concentrated on their family.  There were times when I would text a friend and wouldn't get a response for what seemed like months.  But now I have become, in many ways, that mom.
I find myself only responding to emergent texts, emails, or facebook messages as opposed to casual chats with friends.  My day is full from 6:00 in the morning until 9:00 at night and when my head hits the pillow i'm out.  Well, until someone wakes up, which generally happens 2-3 times each night.
All of these changes  brought on through Caleb have refined me to not judge, to realize that there is more to a book than the cover and sometimes the pages are just so full, that to squeeze in one more word is really just meant for the sequel.